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Life is one big test.

We are testing ourselves every day.  We test our spouses, coworkers and kids.  Others are testing us.  Your god is testing you every day – whoever that might be.  We are all testies.

As kids, they are testing us all the time to see what they can get away with.  It’s inherent in their genes – if we weren’t natural scientists we would not have made it this far on earth.  Our ancestors were the ones who were, like – “Hey!  I wonder what would happen if we picked up the burning stick and brought it to our cave?”  It sounded less eloquent than that probably, but the point was made.  They tried new things.  They took a swing and sometimes missed.

They tested life.

We need to test ourselves.  With the modern age, we still wonder – how would we react in a situation?  What if a masked gunman tried to rob us?  What would we do?  What if our kids fell off a cliff, and we had to pull them up to safety?  Could we do it?

Kids do it for themselves, too.  I see my son testing his limits all the time.  “Could I climb a little higher and jump off?” he’ll say to himself, and then do it, until at some point the height is just a little too much, and he climbs back down.  In 6 months it won’t be too high anymore, and next time he’ll do it.

It’s important in life to be a testy.  The stronger your testy instinct, the farther your essence will shoot out.  In life.

You thought this post was going to be about testicles, didn’t you?  Perfectly understandable.  I did too at first.




There are three forms of kid sickness I’ve dealt with.

There’s the classic fever.  These are scary, but from a maintenance standpoint not too bad.  You have to watch to make sure it doesn’t get out of control, but for the most part it’s like a yo yo.  They are lethargic and tired, whiney and in “I feel sick” mode.  Then you give them some children’s ibuprofen, and about an hour later they’re jumping on the couch and wanting to go for a bike ride in 32 degree weather.  Fevers are not my favorite, but they are not the worst.

Second, there’s the stomach flu.  This is the worst in terms of maintenance.  Kids don’t control their throw up very well.  If you’ve got a kid sleeping at night, even with the “puke bowl” right next to them, dollars to doughnuts they’re just going to spew all over their pillow.  This is not fun.  The stomach flu is my least favorite illness.

The third is the mild cold.  This is fairly easy, but makes for cranky kids.  They aren’t knocked out enough to be manageable, but they’re uncomfortable enough to make it miserable on everyone else.  The problem with this one is they seem to happen like 4 times a year, and with more than one kid, that means you’re dealing with it half of the time, all the time.

Excuse me.  I’m going to go get a flu shot.


I’ve recently come to the realization that I’m kind of a prick.  It’s not my fault per se – I just think I’m kind of a dick all the time.  And I think it’s because of my penis.

Let me explain – I’m motivated by my penis.  When it wants something, I want it too.  When it’s angry, I’m angry too. When it’s happy….you get the idea.  In fact, about half of the reason I do things is because of my down there dude.  I’m completely controlled by my wang chung!

I think it takes a certain amount of enlightenment to acknowledge this.  Civilized creatures would say this is not a good thing – that I should rise above.  Of course, I have to make non-peep related decisions at work and at home.  I can use my brain.  It’s just the other one is VERY convincing sometimes.

And women always bemoan this like they hate it.  “Oh, you’re just thinking with your prick” or “use the head on top of your shoulders to think”.  Yea, Yea.  But then when you want something from us, you conveniently try to convince us using which head again?  Why are you not rubbing my eyelids when you want to ask to go out to dinner tonight?  Because you know what body part is really in charge.

Why do I go to work?  To make money, so I can have sex with my wife.  Why do I do the laundry?  So my wife will have more free time…and hopefully use it to have sex with me.  Why do I go to the gym?  You know.  Why do I drink too much beer?  To drown the hurt inside when I don’t have enough sex.

Why do I have kids?  I think most of you know how that happened.

I’m just a prick, and not ashamed to admit it.  Maybe a little ashamed, but my boss in the trenches tells me to be proud of it, so I’m going to listen to the little guy.  He’s very smart.

New Rear Goggles


Cats are mating outside my door

Have you ever heard a cat have sex?  It’s annoying.  Just watch them sometimes – it’s a little too aggressive, you feel like you should be intervening but you know it’s none of your business…they act like they’re in pain half the time.  Okay, so it’s not much different from my love life, but I digress.

Actually, it reminds me of something else – town kids.

The other day I looked outside my door and there were three cats.  One was a female, and the other was mounting her (male?).  The third was a young cat, probably the kitten of the female, just laying there.  Sometimes the kitten would play or bat at it’s mom’s tail while she was violated.  There was a lot of screaming. It was painful and sad to watch.  Lifetime could have done a special on it.

Not two days before that, I heard a commotion outside around 9:30 or 10:00.  It was a group of middle school kids hanging out on the sidewalk.  There was a lot of screaming.  They looked terrible.  One girl kept getting attacked (while she laughed) by a boy, while another girl just languidly watched, bored.  It was the street cats all over again.

We have too many cats wandering in our neighborhood.  And there’s too many kids without homes to hang out in.  This is an epidemic I tell you!  Maybe we should be neutering more street punks? Just kidding.  Or am I?

Fearless boy

I’ve been thinking of a superhero, while watching my boys.  What if there was a mild mannered 10 year old who was struck by lightning (or some other such natural phenomenon that didn’t somehow kill him, but gave him abilities), and consequently gave him the power to HAVE NO FEAR.

It seems that those without fear tend to fare well.   It seems that if you lose your fear, you lose your ability to lose.  Because even if you lose, who cares?  You’re not  afraid of losing.

This superhero would have the ability to leap in front of cars to save people.  The act would make him superheroic.  He wouldn’t be any faster or stronger – but because he wasn’t afraid to ACT – that would be his power.

Also, he would have the power to ask a girl to his first middle school dance.  That would have served me well a few years ago.

http://www.reargoggles.com for some cartoony idiocy

Rear Goggles Forking

Check out http://www.reargoggles.com for more

Back Pain

It’s one of the great tragedies of our time that when you exercise and lift weights, sometimes you end up injuring yourself MORE.

I’ve really started working out harder this new year (2012 baby!  Go big or go to the Apocalypse!)  But now I’ve popped my back trying to do these Kettle Bell Swings, and I feel like it’s a little unfair.  I would have been just fine, injury free, if I would have stayed on the couch.

But for all you warriors out there, here are a few hints for alleviating back pain.  It’s lewie’s top 4, official, not so scientific rules for beating the pain in your back (side?).

1 – Intercourse.

2 – Try rubbing it with your hand.  This seems to work for 1-2 seconds.  Repeat as needed.  This has actually worked for me.  Number one has never actually worked.  But it does alleviate the pain for 1-2 seconds.  But I can’t repeat as needed on that one.

3 – Yell at your wife.  It’s probably her fault, right?  Not really.  Yell at your mailman instead.  It’s definitely his fault.

4 – Watch TV.  With a heating pad and ice alternately.  And pain medication.  And a back brace.  Eat wings.  This one has worked the best of all.

Be safe out there!

check out http://www.reargoggles.blogspot.com for stupid cartoon humor, and go to http://www.lewissummer.com for all lewie updates.



Rear Goggles Oct 21 2011

Rear Goggles 10/5/11